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| Barbara Landau |
I will go further: when children are involved, the focus should be on the children’s family — as difficult as that may sound when couples face this sad and uncertain period that neither hoped for when they married.
For children, marriages may end, but parents are forever — as are grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. These are, in most cases, the pillars of security and continuity that cushion the many changes that are out of children’s control. One 8-year-old child told me that going through a separation was like being on a roller coaster with no steering wheel and no brakes!
If children were asked to make decisions, apart from cases of domestic violence and child abuse, they would choose for parents to remain together. If that wish is not reasonable, their next choice is that parents behave respectfully and ensure a strong bond between them and both parents. Children do not draw biological lines in the sand and distinguish between the relatives on their mom’s side or on their dad’s side. They see them as “family.” Cutting off one side is akin to removing a limb.
When clients express their concerns about separating, usually their top worry is how it will impact their children. Often that concern is wrapped in an early package of hurt, anger, mistrust and sadness. As lawyers, we are tempted to respond with urgency at a time when anger and anxiety are at a peak. We know that over time those initial emotions are tempered — and, at some point, the clients will shift and often become angry and unappreciative of our gladiatorial efforts.
What if we imagined a different role for family professionals? What if our first responsibility was to offer wise counsel and support for what would best serve families in the long term? One pre-teenage child told me that her parents are like the trunk of her tree. She explained that it needs to be strong enough to withstand challenging winds, rain and snow. The branches are the family members needed for friendship, support and stability as she faces so many life changes.
What if we reimagined our primary role as “navigators” to help couples steer the choppy waters they will face but, thankfully, with us as wise guides who help them focus on the future, what will best serve their children and those who will be most impacted by their decisions. A more respectful process is likely to be less adversarial, completed in less time — as Joseph demonstrated — and leave couples with less financial burden.
What if we modelled with other counsel the behaviour we hoped they would grow into with each other? What if we minimized the number of opposing professionals involved and, instead, encouraged couples to maximize trust and minimize emotional stress by doing what will be required anyway?
My guess is this will not mean a loss for lawyers who will be able to serve more couples — and the profession will attract more young practitioners. Sadly, family law currently is chosen by only two per cent of law students and most judges try to avoid what they see as dysfunctional mudslinging family battles.
This is the approach of Separation Pathways. We screen for domestic violence and a willingness to work in a respectful and co-operative manner to achieve an agreement. We begin with a joint Planning Meeting to clarify the issues of concern and their choice of a process to resolve these matters. Most choose a mediation process, and we provide a package of fixed costs to address their issues — with the flexibility of adding hours if needed. Most of our clients choose to have independent legal advice and no case has resulted in litigation to date.
Our approach follows Joseph’s welcome advice. The result is couples whose reward for co-operative, respectful behaviour is a more amicable shared parenting arrangement, with children who can enjoy a strong family tree that can withstand even an occasional storm.
Dr. Barbara Landau, C.M., Ph.D, LL.B, LL.M, C.Med, is a lawyer, psychologist, mediator and arbitrator and has been awarded the Order of Canada. She is the president of Separation Pathways. For more information, visit www.separationpathways.ca.
The opinions expressed are those of the author and do not reflect the views of the author's firm, its clients, Law360 Canada, LexisNexis Canada or any of its or their respective affiliates. This article is for general information purposes and is not intended to be and should not be taken as legal advice.
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