Handling the Messiah, other 2022 predictions | Marcel Strigberger

Marcel Strigberger

I have some predictions for how our justice system will evolve in 2022. I will say that I am eminently qualified to make these predictions as I just acquired the long-lost Nostradamus crystal ball. I actually found it on eBay. I know it’s the real magical thing, responding to whoever touches it, as the courier who dropped the package off said, “I know what’s inside.”

My first prediction is that the courts will be issuing more directions. They will shortly read, “Open again for in-person business.” Not long after they will reverse their stance and quote the guru of social distancing, Yosemite Sam, announcing, “Back off.” 

The uncertain supply chain issues will also affect the justice system. There will be a major shortage of potential jurors as many people who will be receiving letters from the sheriff requesting their attendance to serve as jurors will not feel comfortable risking coming to the courthouses, especially given the incentive to do so pro bono. They will be seeking to come within the occupation exemptions. There will accordingly be an abundance of new firefighters, police officers and veterinarians. We shall have to figure out what to do with all these surplus veterinarians.

March 14th a.k.a. 3/14 will see the presence for one day of the new corona pi variant. Courts will remain closed as even though the symptoms will be mild, those infected will have the inexplicable urge to walk around in circles.

Come springtime courtrooms will make a major shift. As the baseball stadiums appeared to do just fine last year admitting thousands of fans with minimal concerns about COVID spread, they will allow the courts to operate in places such as the Rogers Centre. The players and the judges will work out a space sharing arrangement no problem. The court docket will read something like, “Regina v. Williams, visitors bullpen.”

And I readily see court decorum maintained. After the playing of the national anthem, the announcer will bellow, “Oyez, oyez, oyez.” The judge will make an entrance via the dugout.  As the judge enters all will rise. It will be permissible to perform this rising action as a wave.

Formal dress will be relaxed. Lawyers won’t have to wear gowns. Consequently I see there being a run on Blue Jay shirts. (Pants will still be required.) 

The fall will bring yet another cataclysmic event. The coming of the Messiah. The pandemic will end. There will be peace on earth. Nobody will litigate anymore, and we won’t even need lawyers. Separating spouses will not be at one another’s throats. Employers will not wrongfully dismiss employees. Insurance companies will just tell their claimants, “Where can we e-transfer your proceeds?” (Given the present high volume of this practice, cheques will become obsolete).

Even the need for commercial lawyers will dwindle. Parties will make deals just with a handshake. Then again maybe not a handshake per se. By then we will all have forgotten the mechanics of this gesture of greeting.

I am not sure what the Messiah will look like. I am getting a slightly unfocused view in my crystal ball. I can vaguely make out an elderly bearded man wearing a long robe and conical hat. He bears a close resemblance to the wizard in Fantasia’s “Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” Worst case scenario, at least he’ll neutralize any mobs of ravaging brooms. 

I wonder again what we’ll do with that surplus of veterinarians. Given the coming of the Messiah the animals will be safer. The prophet Isaiah said, “the lion will sleep with the lamb.” I don’t know about that. My prediction is we’ll see more cats in court on Zoom.

Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His just launched book Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging is now available in paper and e-book versions where books are sold. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him @MarcelsHumour.

Interested in writing for us? To learn more about how you can add your voice to The Lawyer’s Daily, contact Analysis Editor Peter Carter at peter.carter@lexisnexis.ca or call 647-776-6740.