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| Marcel Strigberger |
The gentleman recently attended a couple of antique stores where he allegedly took several items and placed them under his kilt, or more specifically, a bit north thereof. He then allegedly put them back on the shelves, restocking the merchandise, I suppose, for unsuspecting antique aficionados.
Police received complaints from “multiple concerned citizens,” and they arrested Vest and charged him with mischief. The items included a make-up brush, a tobacco tent can and an antique bottle opener. This latter item left an impression on me. Next time I go to a restaurant I think I’ll insist on my beer coming in a draft.
And I don’t know what a tobacco tent can is, but I would say there is likely some good resulting here as many folks may think about giving up smoking.
Vest was arrested and released on bail. Lucky for him he was not charged with theft. Then again, given the nature of the crime, I doubt the police were too eager in further exploring the scene of the crime by applying for a search warrant. I’d say if they were to find any items of interest there, it would be an open and shut case of “theft under.” Airtight.
Likely he will retain a lawyer to defend him. I wonder what his legal defences might be. Medical necessity? I felt a bit hot, and I was just trying to measure my temperature? I was sure that bottle opener had numbers on it?”
Then again, I have not checked out the applicable Texas legislation under which the prosecution would be proceeding. I much doubt there is a provision reading,
“ Anybody entering an antique store who removes a hairbrush, tobacco tent can and bottle opener, from the shelf and places it under his kilt, is liable to an offence punishable by way of misdemeanor.”
I asked Siri something like, “Hey Siri, what is Texas law re: guy putting antiques up his kilt?” She replied, “Hey y’all, I found this on the web about a butt call.”
Thanx a lot, Siri.
I also wonder what the sentencing will look like if this guy is found guilty. Texas is into capital punishment big time, executing more felons than any other state. We are not talking lethal injection here, of course, but nonetheless he could run into a judge who takes this matter rather seriously. The reasons might look like:
“When a citizen visits an antique store he or she does not expect to come across an individual relocating the merchandise under his kilt, albeit temporarily. Sentencing herein must reflect the principles of both specific and general deterrence. There has been too much of this type of activity happening here in Spring, Texas. The public must be protected. I hereby sentence you to 30 days in jail, sentence suspended, along with a term of probation for one year during which you are barred from entering any stores. If you want to check out any antiques, you’ll have to do so on Amazon.”
Finally, I ask why would any good Texan want to do such a thing? That, I’m afraid, still remains a mystery.
I, am, however interested in the outcome of this case. Maybe I’ll Google it down the line. I don’t think I’ll ask Siri.
Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His book Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging is available on Amazon, (e-book) and paper version. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him @MarcelsHumour.
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