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| Marcel Strigberger |
I recently made myself a cool screwdriver: that is, vodka and Florida pure “not from concentrate” orange juice. Unfortunately, the carton was frozen solid. I let it thaw and proceeded to consume same. It then occurred to me, was it safe to drink orange juice that had gone from liquid to frozen to liquid?
As I pondered my possible blunder, I thought I might be starting to feel funny. Lightheaded, perhaps. I sensed a tickle in my throat. Maybe even palpitations. Maybe not. Actually, I was quite certain that I felt like Rasputin after he ate those arsenic-laced cakes. In Rasputin’s case, however, it took five bullets and a dip in the Neva River to finish him off. In my case, I felt that the latter two assassination methods were going to be superfluous.
Not being one to panic, I dialed a 24-7, 1-800 number to call for information. On came a message: “We are closed on weekends, but if this is a medical emergency, please leave your name and number…”
I left my vital information including name, phone number and differential diagnosis, namely citrus fruit poisoning.
Three minutes later, a lady called me back, from Florida. Her name was Maggie Anne. I explained what happened and how I was feeling. She assured me that there was no danger in drinking unfrozen-frozen-unfrozen orange juice. I felt reprieved. My symptoms vanished. She thanked me for calling, noting I could call back anytime if I had any concerns.
I forgot about the incident and went on to enjoy life. Or did I?
Shortly after, I had a dream, as follows:
I receive a letter from the juice company apologizing for the unfortunate incident and asking if there was anything they could do for me.
Being courteous, I write back on my legal letterhead (though I am happily retired), saying thank you but that there was not much more I could say at this time.
A week later, I get the following letter from Tallahassee, Florida, from an insurance adjuster:
“Dear Mr. Strigberger:
Re Happy Sun Orange Juice - claim #AD28374
This claim is presently under investigation. Do you still have some of that frozen juice? Please send it to us by FedEx. We look forward to your cooperation and to sitting down to discuss this case with you.”
Once again out of an abundance of courtesy, I answer the adjuster.
“Dear madam,
I do not have any more of the juice. In any event, I have said all I have to say about the incident to Maggie Anne.”
Does this dream end now? No. Two weeks later, the following letter arrives from Miami from a Sherman, Lamarre and Grant, attorneys at law:
“Dear Attorney Strigberger,
Our client has referred your potential suit from the adjuster level and us. We are quite concerned about your allegations, especially the one about Rasputin. Although you have two years to sue, my client would like to set its reserves early and get an idea of the magnitude of the claim it might be facing. Please send us a copy of all your doctors’ clinical notes and records, including those of the hospital where you received emergency treatment. We would like to avoid litigation and resolve this matter amicably, but, if necessary, we shall fight your claim to the fullest.
Sincerely,
C. Jackson Sherman Jr.”
C. Jackson Sherman Jr.”
I decide to have some fun with him. I respond:
“Dear Attorney Sherman:
I am beside myself since this calamity. Thanks to the quick-thinking paramedics and the entire emergency department at Toronto General Hospital, my physical wounds have more or less healed.
I have, however, been left with deep psychological and emotional damage. My psychiatrist, Dr. Felix Schindler, can attest to my post-traumatic stress disorder. The mere sight of the colour orange makes me cringe with fear. Nearing Halloween, I will not be comfortable leaving my home for fear of just looking at a pumpkin. Some days I just think about ending it all. You guys still have the electric chair? A date with Old Sparky would be merciful. What can money do for me now?”
I have, however, been left with deep psychological and emotional damage. My psychiatrist, Dr. Felix Schindler, can attest to my post-traumatic stress disorder. The mere sight of the colour orange makes me cringe with fear. Nearing Halloween, I will not be comfortable leaving my home for fear of just looking at a pumpkin. Some days I just think about ending it all. You guys still have the electric chair? A date with Old Sparky would be merciful. What can money do for me now?”
Within a day, I receive an email from Mr. Sherman:
“Dear Colleague:
We are most sorry to hear about your debilitating experience. Without prejudice to our client’s position, we are prepared to fly you and your wife down for a week’s all-expenses paid vacation at Disney World. All you must do is submit to an insurer’s defence medical examination. As you may know, the State of Florida Practice Rules permit the defence to conduct such examinations, and refusal by the plaintiff to submit will lead to the denial by the court of any award it might otherwise make for punitive damages.
I am enclosing a copy of the case of Smedley v. Freshly Squeezy Orange Juice where, in a claim most like yours, the jury awarded $250,000 for pain and suffering. But the trial judge did not allow punitive damages of $2,000,000 as the plaintiff failed to submit to a defence medical.
I am enclosing a copy of the case of Smedley v. Freshly Squeezy Orange Juice where, in a claim most like yours, the jury awarded $250,000 for pain and suffering. But the trial judge did not allow punitive damages of $2,000,000 as the plaintiff failed to submit to a defence medical.
I look forward to hearing from you.”
I see myself studying my options as I am sipping on a vodka and orange juice. I consider making the trip. I’ve never been to Disney World. What to do?
I wake up, heart racing. At least it’s only a dream. But I take dreams seriously. What does it mean? US$250,000 is nothing to sneeze at. Where is Joseph with his technicolour coat when I need him?
Maybe I should contact Maggie Anne. However, we’re talking Florida. These guys take their orange juice seriously. Very seriously. And the corporations are paranoid about getting sued. I suspect that if the attorney general feels I am doing something nifty or illegal, he can probably invoke some penal provisions, and I could find myself getting extradited and earn that date with Old Sparky. Who needs Disney World?
Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His book, Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging, is available on Amazon (e-book) and in paper version. His new(!) book First, Let’s Kill the Lawyer Jokes: An Attorney’s Irreverent Serious Look at the Legal Universe is available on Amazon, Apple and other book places. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him on X @MarcelsHumour.
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